Change Comes at a Cost

by Peggy Mitchell Norwood, Ph.D.

While some people will be alone for the holidays, most people are looking forward to spending time with friends and family. A few of you may be glad that you will not have to sit through Aunt Sue’s cross examination about why you are still single, when you are going to give your parents grandchildren, or why you don’t visit more often (does she really have to ask?)

If it’s been a while since you were all together, your family may expect that you have remained the same and have not grown or changed since they last saw you. They may make subtle or not so subtle remarks about the new you. They may say things like,

“You used to be fun.”

“You’re different. What happened to you?”

As you start to change, friends and family may subtly discourage you from changing. If you quit smoking, eat healthier, and stop gossiping, the same people who smoke, eat junk food, and gossip can no longer freely do these things around you. When you change, the relationship must change. And that change sometimes means the relationship will end.

With all the great changes you have been making in your life, you’ll become increasingly different from the person you were before. People who used to be in relationship with you will say things like, “Ever since you _____ [fill in the blank with whatever changes you’ve made], now you think you’re too good to be around us.” But be encouraged. This is just code for the following, “Ever since you _____, I feel inadequate around you. My behavior seems so inappropriate. But since I’m not as courageous and strong as you, I don’t think I’ll be able to change like you did. Instead, I’m going to have to put you down to feel better about myself.”

Sometimes change sets you apart and others dislike how they feel about themselves around you. This doesn’t mean you are better than them or even think you are. It simply means you are different; you are set apart from the crowd. But what you lose in company, you gain in the benefits that come from the changes you have made in your life.

Persevere!

~Dr. Peg

© 2009 Peggy Mitchell Norwood • All Rights Reserved

This blog is adapted from the book, Do Something Different...For a Change: An Insider’s Guide to What Your Therapist Knows (But May Not Tell You) by Peggy Mitchell Norwood, Ph.D.

Learn more at www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com