Boo! Change is Scary

by Peggy Mitchell Norwood, Ph.D.

In our culture, fear and horror are best-selling commodities. Halloween, including its haunted houses, ghosts, skeletons, and black cats, delights children of all ages. Who hasn’t enjoyed seeing a movie that puts you on the edge of your seat? Right after you scream with horror, you giggle with glee. But, if you mention the word “change,” nobody laughs. The fear you enjoy in a dark theater becomes a paralyzing obstacle in the light of real life.

Take a look at some of the problems you are facing in your life right now. It might seem that things are happening to you for no apparent reason or people are simply out to get you. But, if you examine the events leading up to your situation, you will discover that fear has been a significant contributing, if not causal, factor. You were too afraid to either say no or yes.

One of the biggest causes of fear is the unknown. This is especially true when you believe the unknown (or unseen) is dangerous or likely to result in pain or punishment. When your mind has no conception of what is in front of you, it generates the unpleasant emotion of fear. You will be reluctant to walk into what you can’t see or visualize.

What if you can see perfectly what’s ahead of you? There is no uncertainty about it, but it is something you’ve never done before. Doing something different is scary because it's new and unfamiliar.

So maybe it’s not unknown and it’s not unfamiliar. You know what it requires; you’ve even done it before. But you think to yourself, “What if something bad happens this time? What if I embarrass myself? What if it doesn’t go as expected?” You could ask yourself what-if questions until it results in mental confusion and paralysis. Imagining what could happen is usually worse than what is actually likely to happen.

Most "what-if" questions involve your fears about the worst possible thing that could happen. But many people also suffer from a fear of success. "What if I actually get everything I've been hoping for?" Now that's scary! Achieving success will require you to operate in a realm that is unfamiliar and unknown. These are the very things that make change so scary. And what if your success still leaves you feeling empty and unfulfilled? You will always feel empty when your value is tied to what you do and not who you are. In order not to feel afraid of success, you'll have to focus more on your effort and enjoyment of the process and take your attention off of the success or failure of the outcome.

Another strategy to overcome what-if thinking and put your situation in its proper perspective is to ask yourself, “And then what?” Follow that up with the question, “How likely is that to actually happen?” You will be surprised where you end up when you are willing to ask these two simple, logical questions.

Here’s an example:

“I'm afraid to go for that promotion. What if I don’t get it?” “And then what?” “Everyone will think I’m a loser.” “And how likely is that to actually happen?” “Not likely. I have several friends on the job.” “And then what” “They might even put in a good word for me with the boss.”

A friend once told me that FEAR stands for "False Evidence Appearing Real." When you combat fear with a sound mind and rational thinking, you’ll be on your way to producing the change you want! To learn more, you can read my book, Do Something Different...For a Change. It is available for purchase on my website at www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com

Persevere!

Dr. Peg

Summary:

The unknown is scary.

The unfamiliar is scary.

What-if thinking is a barrier to change.

Reflection Questions:

Not all what-if questions are bad. One good what-if question is, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”

What would you stop doing if you weren’t afraid?

©2009 Peggy Mitchell Norwood | All Rights Reserved

To learn more about how to experience lasting change, visit my website at www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com

Time to Get Out of B.E.D.

Are you having trouble in your relationships? Do you feel anxious or depressed? Have you ever felt like your life was missing direction or purpose? My experience as a psychotherapist has shown me that your discontentment usually stems from three core issues. You feel:

• Broken,
• Empty, or
• Disconnected.

You are "in B.E.D." Think about it, if you were abused as a child, you may feel broken. If you are sad or depressed, a part of you feels empty. If you struggle with loneliness, you feel disconnected. Some of us get broken more than others. For different reasons, we may end up feeling empty or disconnected. But, in time, these feelings usually subside and you get out of BED.

If that's true, how do people end up BED-ridden and stuck in a painful, emotional rut? The very things you do to try to get out of BED or protect yourself from being in BED in the first place don't work. They actually make you feel even worse. Your failed solutions perpetuate your pain and cause you to become BED-ridden.

So how do you get out of BED? How do you get unstuck? You have to fix what really needs fixing. And sometimes you have to do something different. If you are like most people, one thing will get in your way. You won't want to do what you already know you ought to do. Why? Doing something different is hard. Doing something different is scary, and doing something different comes at a cost.

Next week, we'll explore each of these barriers to change. If you want to learn more about them now and get a jump start on the strategies to overcome them, you can read my book, Do Something Different...For a Change: An Insider's Guide to What Your Therapist Knows (But May Not Tell You). You can purchase the book by going to my website, www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com and click on "Books."

Persevere!

Dr. Peg

©2009 Peggy Mitchell Norwood | All Rights Reserved

To learn more about how to experience lasting change, visit my website at www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com

What is your CQ (Change Quotient)?

by Peggy Mitchell Norwood, Ph.D.

Most people want to have change in their lives, but they are not willing to MAKE changes. They want something different, but fail to DO something different. Find out your CQ - Change Quotient - and learn more about your motivation to change. You can visit my webpage at www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com and take the CQ Test that I developed. You'll receive a customized report with detailed feedback within 24 hours.

Your CQ measures your openness to change and your willingness to change. Your openness to change is the degree to which you want to have change in your life or experience your life differently. Willingness to change is the degree to which you will do whatever is required to experience that change. When both your openness and willingness to change are equally high, you have a high CQ, which reflects your strong desire for change and your determination to achieve it. You set goals and usually achieve them. When either openness or willingness is low, your CQ is low and you are unlikely to experience lasting change in your life.

I don't know that I can say that one is more significant than the other. Both openness and willingness are critical to doing something different. They ideally should be in balance, where desire is matched with equal initiative. The good news is that you CAN enhance your CQ by understanding and applying the principles that I share in my book, Do Something Different...For a Change.

To get started in the process of increasing your CQ and experiencing the change you want in your life, take the CQ test on the home page of my website, www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com. Click on the box on the top right hand corner of the page to take the test. After you receive your CQ Test Report, carefully review and honestly evaluate the results. Feel free to email me or post your comments on this blog if you have any questions.

Check back here for my next blog on the common barriers that we face that get in the way of experiencing lasting change in our lives.

Persevere!

Dr. Peg

©2009 Peggy Mitchell Norwood | All Rights Reserved

To learn more about how to experience lasting change, visit my website at www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com