Change Comes at a Cost

by Peggy Mitchell Norwood, Ph.D.

While some people will be alone for the holidays, most people are looking forward to spending time with friends and family. A few of you may be glad that you will not have to sit through Aunt Sue’s cross examination about why you are still single, when you are going to give your parents grandchildren, or why you don’t visit more often (does she really have to ask?)

If it’s been a while since you were all together, your family may expect that you have remained the same and have not grown or changed since they last saw you. They may make subtle or not so subtle remarks about the new you. They may say things like,

“You used to be fun.”

“You’re different. What happened to you?”

As you start to change, friends and family may subtly discourage you from changing. If you quit smoking, eat healthier, and stop gossiping, the same people who smoke, eat junk food, and gossip can no longer freely do these things around you. When you change, the relationship must change. And that change sometimes means the relationship will end.

With all the great changes you have been making in your life, you’ll become increasingly different from the person you were before. People who used to be in relationship with you will say things like, “Ever since you _____ [fill in the blank with whatever changes you’ve made], now you think you’re too good to be around us.” But be encouraged. This is just code for the following, “Ever since you _____, I feel inadequate around you. My behavior seems so inappropriate. But since I’m not as courageous and strong as you, I don’t think I’ll be able to change like you did. Instead, I’m going to have to put you down to feel better about myself.”

Sometimes change sets you apart and others dislike how they feel about themselves around you. This doesn’t mean you are better than them or even think you are. It simply means you are different; you are set apart from the crowd. But what you lose in company, you gain in the benefits that come from the changes you have made in your life.

Persevere!

~Dr. Peg

© 2009 Peggy Mitchell Norwood • All Rights Reserved

This blog is adapted from the book, Do Something Different...For a Change: An Insider’s Guide to What Your Therapist Knows (But May Not Tell You) by Peggy Mitchell Norwood, Ph.D.

Learn more at www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com

Sink or Swim: Are You Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired?

by Peggy Mitchell Norwood

Fannie Lou Hamer, a civil rights activist involved in the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee (SNCC) is famous for saying, “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” Willing to risk her life to register to vote, she concluded, “I guess if I'd had any sense, I'd have been scared, but what was the point of being scared? The only thing they could do was kill me, and it seemed they'd been trying to do that a little at a time since I could remember."

For most people, change is scary, but it seems Mrs. Hamer believed that she had nothing left to lose. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you get to the point where you are more afraid to stay where you are than you are to change.

I’ve heard it said that you are most motivated to learn to swim when you are drowning. If you want to survive, you better learn to swim...fast! Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to be ready to change.

When you are “treading water,” you have little motivation to change. You're not yet drowning, but you are not getting anywhere either. Once you start sinking and hit the bottom, you quickly come to the conclusion that what you’ve been doing is not working and if you want something different you must do something different.

Being sick and tired of being sick and tired can be a great motivator for change, but it doesn’t always work. You can become so overwhelmed in this sink-or-swim moment that you drown. Or you can fall so far down that you don’t have the strength to pull yourself back up.

As a therapist, I always tried to help my clients “raise the bottom” and get motivated without having to sink all the way down. I tried to persuade them that they had already sunk far enough, they didn’t need to sink any further, and that they didn’t have to lose everything before they decided to make a change. If you can get sick and tired right where you are, you can spare yourself the pain of hitting the bottom.

Unfortunately, some people never get sick and tired enough! I’ve been amazed at just how much emotional pain some people can tolerate. Don’t get me wrong; emotional stamina is a good thing in difficult, unavoidable circumstances like the death of a loved one or the loss of your job. What I’m referring to is emotional pain that is unnecessary, unwarranted, or self-inflicted. For example, I’ve treated many clients for anxiety who waited years before they came for help. They thought they should “tough it out” rather than seek professional assistance. Or sometimes people are just too afraid to get the help they need.

So, what can you do instead? How do you get sick and tired enough? Here are some tips to help you to do something different for a change:

Choose to Swim

If you are in a difficult or undesirable situation, get sick and tired enough right where you are. You don’t have to sink to the bottom before you decide to make a change. Choose one small thing that you can do differently right now to move you in the direction you want to go. You may only be able to do the doggie paddle, but keep moving forward and swim!

Focus on the Horizon

Motivate yourself with a positive vision of what you want rather than focusing on what you don't want. Where you put your attention is where your energy goes. If you focus on where you want to go and the changes you want to make, you are more likely to move in that direction.

Keep Your Head Above Water

Many of your old habits are automatic and unconscious. In order to move in a new direction, you’ll have to be deliberate and mindful about what you are doing. Make the connection between your choices and their consequences. Yes, many things—over which you’ve had no control—have happened to you. But you do have complete control over what you choose to think and do. Take those negative thoughts captive and replace them with life-giving, change-producing thoughts.

Call the Lifeguard When You Need Help

You may follow all of the above advice and still find yourself out in the middle of the deep water, disoriented and too tired to swim to the shore. Don’t let fear, pride, or ignorance keep you from getting the help you need. Call a friend, a mental health professional, a coach, or a clergy person when you find that you can’t make it on your own. In the triathlons that I compete in, you can request what they call “swim angels” or “swim buddies” – well-trained swimmers who will swim alongside you. If you are not a strong swimmer, it helps to have somebody there, just in case.

Remember, if you want something different, you must do something different. Will you sink or swim? The choice is yours. Persevere!

© 2009 Peggy Mitchell Norwood • All Rights Reserved

This blog is adapted from the book, Do Something Different...For a Change: An Insider’s Guide to What Your Therapist Knows (But May Not Tell You) by Peggy Mitchell Norwood, Ph.D.

Learn more at www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com

Next 21 Day Challenge Starting Oct. 1

by Peggy Mitchell Norwood

The first 21 Day Challenge was a HUGE success! We'll be starting the next one on October 1. To join in, pick one small thing to change and do it for 21 days. Make sure it's small enough and do-able enough that you can do it successfully for 21 days. Do that one small thing and make no other changes. Psychologists say it takes 21 days to form a new habit or break an old one. I know you'll be pleased with your results. Check in here on October 1 and let me know what you will be working on.

Persevere!

Dr. Peg

Learn more at www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com

21 Day Challenge: Ready. Set. Change!

by Peggy Mitchell Norwood

I'm doing something different for a change. Anyone care to join me? Pick one small thing to work on and stick with it for the next 21 days. It helps to select one goal and focus your attention on just that one thing for twenty one days. Psychologists say it takes twenty one days to form a new habit (or break an old one). By narrowing your focus to one thing at a time and sticking with it, you'll be surprised at just how easy it is to do something different for a change!

Post a comment and let me know what you will be working on. Then check back in on September 19 and let me know how you did. I can't wait!

Persevere!

Dr. Peg

©2009 Peggy Mitchell Norwood | All Rights Reserved

To learn more about how to experience lasting change, visit my website at www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com

Do Something Different and Keep the Change

by Peggy Mitchell Norwood

The year is more than half over. It seems like just yesterday I was making my New Year’s resolutions. What about you? Did you plan to exercise more, eat better, quit smoking, or clear your clutter? If you are like most people, you were really enthusiastic for a few days, and then, well, other things got in the way. Summer is the perfect time to revisit your goals for 2009 and evaluate your plan for accomplishing them before the year is over.

Psychologists believe that if you do something for twenty-one days, it will become a habit. Sounds easy, right? The hard part is sticking to something for twenty-one days. If you are having trouble, it helps to step back and re-evaluate what you are doing. If you are not getting the results you want, you are going to have to make some changes. You can’t have something different if you fail to DO something different.

Drs. James Prochaska, John Norcross, and Carlo DiClemente have developed one of the most widely studied theories of change. Their Transtheoretical Model of Change centers around five stages that you must go through in order to experience change: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance.

According to Prochaska, Norcross, and Diclimente, in the precontemplation stage, you are not thinking about or interested in changing. In the contemplation stage, you are thinking about changing and evaluating the pros and cons, but you have not yet taken any steps. In the preparation stage, you begin to develop a plan of what you will do to achieve your desired goals. In the action stage, you are actually taking steps to change. And, finally, in the maintenance stage, you take action only as needed to prevent slipping back or having a relapse.

Prochaska, Norcross, and DiClemente have applied their stages of change to behaviors such as smoking, overeating, drinking, and drug addiction. They have concluded that interventions should be matched to your current stage. In other words, if you want to successfully change your behavior, you need to use a strategy that is consistent with the stage you are in. For example, you would never use a free sample of a nicotine patch that you got in the mail (action) if you are not interested in quitting smoking to begin with (precontemplation). However, if you are in the action stage, using a nicotine patch might be an effective step to take.

If you have gotten off track with your New Year’s resolutions, it is likely that you have encountered problems in the action and/or maintenance stages. You may also have failed to develop an effective plan to begin with in the preparation stage. It’s not too late to remedy this. Here are some suggestions to get you started:

Be honest with yourself. Exactly what changes were you hoping to make at the start of the year? Are these changes realistic? What is really getting in your way? Lying to yourself keeps you stuck in the very patterns that prevent you from changing. Answering these questions honestly paves the way to making the changes you want to make.

Keep a journal. Journaling is a valuable tool for being honest. It allows you to vent your thoughts in a safe and confidential way. It also provides distance from the intensity of overwhelming emotions and imposes order and clarity on jumbled thoughts. Most significantly, journaling is a record of all of your challenges as well as your progress. Seeing in writing where you are not only helps you identify your stumbling blocks, but it also helps you to recognize how far you’ve come.

Share with at least one other person. I also encourage you to find at least one other trustworthy person with whom you can share your struggles and successes. Sharing will provide you with accountability, encouragement, and validation. Getting someone else’s perspective also provides you with valuable insights to help you to overcome the barriers you are facing.

Go easy on yourself. Just because you haven’t kept up with your goals is no reason to beat yourself up. Extend yourself some grace. Give yourself permission to start over and take the next small step in the right direction.

Develop a plan and implement it. Once you get a handle on where you have gotten off track, you can develop a strategy to get back on track. Remember, you’ll need to match your interventions with the stage you are in. Are you really ready to change? (Take the Change Quotient Test and find out). Go back to the contemplation stage and review the pros and cons. It’s OK if you’re not ready. After all, change is scary, change is hard, and change comes at a cost. If you conclude that you are ready, you may also need to re-visit the preparation stage and develop a totally new plan. Be sure to consider a maintenance plan, too, so you can keep the changes you make. Someone once said, “Failig to plan is planning to fail.”

You still have several more months to work on your 2009 resolutions before it’s time to start thinking about 2010. I hope these tips will help you to do something different, and keep the change. Persevere!

©2009 Peggy Mitchell Norwood | All Rights Reserved

To learn more about how to experience lasting change, visit my website at www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com

This article was first published in the Fulton Kentucky News

Boo! Change is Scary

by Peggy Mitchell Norwood, Ph.D.

In our culture, fear and horror are best-selling commodities. Halloween, including its haunted houses, ghosts, skeletons, and black cats, delights children of all ages. Who hasn’t enjoyed seeing a movie that puts you on the edge of your seat? Right after you scream with horror, you giggle with glee. But, if you mention the word “change,” nobody laughs. The fear you enjoy in a dark theater becomes a paralyzing obstacle in the light of real life.

Take a look at some of the problems you are facing in your life right now. It might seem that things are happening to you for no apparent reason or people are simply out to get you. But, if you examine the events leading up to your situation, you will discover that fear has been a significant contributing, if not causal, factor. You were too afraid to either say no or yes.

One of the biggest causes of fear is the unknown. This is especially true when you believe the unknown (or unseen) is dangerous or likely to result in pain or punishment. When your mind has no conception of what is in front of you, it generates the unpleasant emotion of fear. You will be reluctant to walk into what you can’t see or visualize.

What if you can see perfectly what’s ahead of you? There is no uncertainty about it, but it is something you’ve never done before. Doing something different is scary because it's new and unfamiliar.

So maybe it’s not unknown and it’s not unfamiliar. You know what it requires; you’ve even done it before. But you think to yourself, “What if something bad happens this time? What if I embarrass myself? What if it doesn’t go as expected?” You could ask yourself what-if questions until it results in mental confusion and paralysis. Imagining what could happen is usually worse than what is actually likely to happen.

Most "what-if" questions involve your fears about the worst possible thing that could happen. But many people also suffer from a fear of success. "What if I actually get everything I've been hoping for?" Now that's scary! Achieving success will require you to operate in a realm that is unfamiliar and unknown. These are the very things that make change so scary. And what if your success still leaves you feeling empty and unfulfilled? You will always feel empty when your value is tied to what you do and not who you are. In order not to feel afraid of success, you'll have to focus more on your effort and enjoyment of the process and take your attention off of the success or failure of the outcome.

Another strategy to overcome what-if thinking and put your situation in its proper perspective is to ask yourself, “And then what?” Follow that up with the question, “How likely is that to actually happen?” You will be surprised where you end up when you are willing to ask these two simple, logical questions.

Here’s an example:

“I'm afraid to go for that promotion. What if I don’t get it?” “And then what?” “Everyone will think I’m a loser.” “And how likely is that to actually happen?” “Not likely. I have several friends on the job.” “And then what” “They might even put in a good word for me with the boss.”

A friend once told me that FEAR stands for "False Evidence Appearing Real." When you combat fear with a sound mind and rational thinking, you’ll be on your way to producing the change you want! To learn more, you can read my book, Do Something Different...For a Change. It is available for purchase on my website at www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com

Persevere!

Dr. Peg

Summary:

The unknown is scary.

The unfamiliar is scary.

What-if thinking is a barrier to change.

Reflection Questions:

Not all what-if questions are bad. One good what-if question is, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”

What would you stop doing if you weren’t afraid?

©2009 Peggy Mitchell Norwood | All Rights Reserved

To learn more about how to experience lasting change, visit my website at www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com