Change Comes at a Cost

by Peggy Mitchell Norwood, Ph.D.

While some people will be alone for the holidays, most people are looking forward to spending time with friends and family. A few of you may be glad that you will not have to sit through Aunt Sue’s cross examination about why you are still single, when you are going to give your parents grandchildren, or why you don’t visit more often (does she really have to ask?)

If it’s been a while since you were all together, your family may expect that you have remained the same and have not grown or changed since they last saw you. They may make subtle or not so subtle remarks about the new you. They may say things like,

“You used to be fun.”

“You’re different. What happened to you?”

As you start to change, friends and family may subtly discourage you from changing. If you quit smoking, eat healthier, and stop gossiping, the same people who smoke, eat junk food, and gossip can no longer freely do these things around you. When you change, the relationship must change. And that change sometimes means the relationship will end.

With all the great changes you have been making in your life, you’ll become increasingly different from the person you were before. People who used to be in relationship with you will say things like, “Ever since you _____ [fill in the blank with whatever changes you’ve made], now you think you’re too good to be around us.” But be encouraged. This is just code for the following, “Ever since you _____, I feel inadequate around you. My behavior seems so inappropriate. But since I’m not as courageous and strong as you, I don’t think I’ll be able to change like you did. Instead, I’m going to have to put you down to feel better about myself.”

Sometimes change sets you apart and others dislike how they feel about themselves around you. This doesn’t mean you are better than them or even think you are. It simply means you are different; you are set apart from the crowd. But what you lose in company, you gain in the benefits that come from the changes you have made in your life.

Persevere!

~Dr. Peg

© 2009 Peggy Mitchell Norwood • All Rights Reserved

This blog is adapted from the book, Do Something Different...For a Change: An Insider’s Guide to What Your Therapist Knows (But May Not Tell You) by Peggy Mitchell Norwood, Ph.D.

Learn more at www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com

Sink or Swim: Are You Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired?

by Peggy Mitchell Norwood

Fannie Lou Hamer, a civil rights activist involved in the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee (SNCC) is famous for saying, “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” Willing to risk her life to register to vote, she concluded, “I guess if I'd had any sense, I'd have been scared, but what was the point of being scared? The only thing they could do was kill me, and it seemed they'd been trying to do that a little at a time since I could remember."

For most people, change is scary, but it seems Mrs. Hamer believed that she had nothing left to lose. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you get to the point where you are more afraid to stay where you are than you are to change.

I’ve heard it said that you are most motivated to learn to swim when you are drowning. If you want to survive, you better learn to swim...fast! Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to be ready to change.

When you are “treading water,” you have little motivation to change. You're not yet drowning, but you are not getting anywhere either. Once you start sinking and hit the bottom, you quickly come to the conclusion that what you’ve been doing is not working and if you want something different you must do something different.

Being sick and tired of being sick and tired can be a great motivator for change, but it doesn’t always work. You can become so overwhelmed in this sink-or-swim moment that you drown. Or you can fall so far down that you don’t have the strength to pull yourself back up.

As a therapist, I always tried to help my clients “raise the bottom” and get motivated without having to sink all the way down. I tried to persuade them that they had already sunk far enough, they didn’t need to sink any further, and that they didn’t have to lose everything before they decided to make a change. If you can get sick and tired right where you are, you can spare yourself the pain of hitting the bottom.

Unfortunately, some people never get sick and tired enough! I’ve been amazed at just how much emotional pain some people can tolerate. Don’t get me wrong; emotional stamina is a good thing in difficult, unavoidable circumstances like the death of a loved one or the loss of your job. What I’m referring to is emotional pain that is unnecessary, unwarranted, or self-inflicted. For example, I’ve treated many clients for anxiety who waited years before they came for help. They thought they should “tough it out” rather than seek professional assistance. Or sometimes people are just too afraid to get the help they need.

So, what can you do instead? How do you get sick and tired enough? Here are some tips to help you to do something different for a change:

Choose to Swim

If you are in a difficult or undesirable situation, get sick and tired enough right where you are. You don’t have to sink to the bottom before you decide to make a change. Choose one small thing that you can do differently right now to move you in the direction you want to go. You may only be able to do the doggie paddle, but keep moving forward and swim!

Focus on the Horizon

Motivate yourself with a positive vision of what you want rather than focusing on what you don't want. Where you put your attention is where your energy goes. If you focus on where you want to go and the changes you want to make, you are more likely to move in that direction.

Keep Your Head Above Water

Many of your old habits are automatic and unconscious. In order to move in a new direction, you’ll have to be deliberate and mindful about what you are doing. Make the connection between your choices and their consequences. Yes, many things—over which you’ve had no control—have happened to you. But you do have complete control over what you choose to think and do. Take those negative thoughts captive and replace them with life-giving, change-producing thoughts.

Call the Lifeguard When You Need Help

You may follow all of the above advice and still find yourself out in the middle of the deep water, disoriented and too tired to swim to the shore. Don’t let fear, pride, or ignorance keep you from getting the help you need. Call a friend, a mental health professional, a coach, or a clergy person when you find that you can’t make it on your own. In the triathlons that I compete in, you can request what they call “swim angels” or “swim buddies” – well-trained swimmers who will swim alongside you. If you are not a strong swimmer, it helps to have somebody there, just in case.

Remember, if you want something different, you must do something different. Will you sink or swim? The choice is yours. Persevere!

© 2009 Peggy Mitchell Norwood • All Rights Reserved

This blog is adapted from the book, Do Something Different...For a Change: An Insider’s Guide to What Your Therapist Knows (But May Not Tell You) by Peggy Mitchell Norwood, Ph.D.

Learn more at www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com