by Peggy Mitchell Norwood
Fannie Lou Hamer, a civil rights activist involved in the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee (SNCC) is famous for saying, “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” Willing to risk her life to register to vote, she concluded, “I guess if I'd had any sense, I'd have been scared, but what was the point of being scared? The only thing they could do was kill me, and it seemed they'd been trying to do that a little at a time since I could remember."
For most people, change is scary, but it seems Mrs. Hamer believed that she had nothing left to lose. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you get to the point where you are more afraid to stay where you are than you are to change.
I’ve heard it said that you are most motivated to learn to swim when you are drowning. If you want to survive, you better learn to swim...fast! Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to be ready to change.
When you are “treading water,” you have little motivation to change. You're not yet drowning, but you are not getting anywhere either. Once you start sinking and hit the bottom, you quickly come to the conclusion that what you’ve been doing is not working and if you want something different you must do something different.
Being sick and tired of being sick and tired can be a great motivator for change, but it doesn’t always work. You can become so overwhelmed in this sink-or-swim moment that you drown. Or you can fall so far down that you don’t have the strength to pull yourself back up.
As a therapist, I always tried to help my clients “raise the bottom” and get motivated without having to sink all the way down. I tried to persuade them that they had already sunk far enough, they didn’t need to sink any further, and that they didn’t have to lose everything before they decided to make a change. If you can get sick and tired right where you are, you can spare yourself the pain of hitting the bottom.
Unfortunately, some people never get sick and tired enough! I’ve been amazed at just how much emotional pain some people can tolerate. Don’t get me wrong; emotional stamina is a good thing in difficult, unavoidable circumstances like the death of a loved one or the loss of your job. What I’m referring to is emotional pain that is unnecessary, unwarranted, or self-inflicted. For example, I’ve treated many clients for anxiety who waited years before they came for help. They thought they should “tough it out” rather than seek professional assistance. Or sometimes people are just too afraid to get the help they need.
So, what can you do instead? How do you get sick and tired enough? Here are some tips to help you to do something different for a change:
Choose to Swim
If you are in a difficult or undesirable situation, get sick and tired enough right where you are. You don’t have to sink to the bottom before you decide to make a change. Choose one small thing that you can do differently right now to move you in the direction you want to go. You may only be able to do the doggie paddle, but keep moving forward and swim!
Focus on the Horizon
Motivate yourself with a positive vision of what you want rather than focusing on what you don't want. Where you put your attention is where your energy goes. If you focus on where you want to go and the changes you want to make, you are more likely to move in that direction.
Keep Your Head Above Water
Many of your old habits are automatic and unconscious. In order to move in a new direction, you’ll have to be deliberate and mindful about what you are doing. Make the connection between your choices and their consequences. Yes, many things—over which you’ve had no control—have happened to you. But you do have complete control over what you choose to think and do. Take those negative thoughts captive and replace them with life-giving, change-producing thoughts.
Call the Lifeguard When You Need Help
You may follow all of the above advice and still find yourself out in the middle of the deep water, disoriented and too tired to swim to the shore. Don’t let fear, pride, or ignorance keep you from getting the help you need. Call a friend, a mental health professional, a coach, or a clergy person when you find that you can’t make it on your own. In the triathlons that I compete in, you can request what they call “swim angels” or “swim buddies” – well-trained swimmers who will swim alongside you. If you are not a strong swimmer, it helps to have somebody there, just in case.
Remember, if you want something different, you must do something different. Will you sink or swim? The choice is yours. Persevere!
© 2009 Peggy Mitchell Norwood • All Rights Reserved
This blog is adapted from the book, Do Something Different...For a Change: An Insider’s Guide to What Your Therapist Knows (But May Not Tell You) by Peggy Mitchell Norwood, Ph.D.
Learn more at www.DoSomethingDifferentNow.com
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